We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
