So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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