I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
