I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
