i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize