You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
