I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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