if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
