i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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