i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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