I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
