Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
