You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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