So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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