I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
