weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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