He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
