I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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