I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
