I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
