Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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