did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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