I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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