I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
