She's like a pop up book from hell.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
