I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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