a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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