I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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