I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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