He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
