My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
