Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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