thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
