Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
