best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize