I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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