he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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