You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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