My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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