I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
