I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Randomize
