I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
