i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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