So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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