It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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