Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
