Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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