He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
