I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
