wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
