I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
