Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
