remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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