just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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