mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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